I am an Atheist. What does that mean to me? It means I don’t believe that there is any God, Spiritual Being, Divine Force out there. To some it means that there are no deities or formal objects of worship, just some connection or Higher Power that has created and controls us. For me nada. And I am alright with having an individual tailor made belief that may or not have a word to describe it or a movement to support it. I am ok with not having a neat box to tick. Whilst being an atheist is pretty common phenomena in some parts of the world in India the very idea is preposterous.

How can you not believe in God?
What happened to you?
But you must believe in something?
Ok, How do you think we came into this world?

The conversation ends with a violent argument or the person shaking their head at the damnation of my soul. They offer a quick prayer to heal me and lead me once more to the proverbial flock.

India is a country with a multitude of religions. Primarily made up of Hindus, Muslims and even Catholics, there also are several homegrown religions like Sikhism, Jainism and Buddhism and minorities like Zorastrinism and Judaism. But unlike other countries that have many religions, in India religion is intrinsically tied to society and community. We are not only fanatic about our own religion but also our neighbor’s. On Eid we partake in the feast after the fast, on Christmas eve we go for midnight mass. Muslim kids tie their siblings Rakhis (threads that sisters tie their brothers once a year for protection.

We all pray in our own houses of God but we worship together.

In Western society if someone asked you what religion you belonged to you would be appalled at their lack of tact and shudder at how inappropriate that question is. In India it’s as normal as sking someone if they drink tea or coffee. Whilst in Western society it is frowned upon to talk about religion openly, in India it is most natural and almost encouraged. With more than 10,000 Gods and Goddesses the number of public holidays for all religions are staggering. Which means these events serve as community bonding time as well as a time to pray.

India has its fair share of communal violence. Riots in ‘92 changed the tapestry of Indian society and never before since partition was there so much animosity between Hindus and Muslims. The Malegaon Blasts in 2006, Mumbai Terror attacks in 2008 and friction in Kashmir are constant reminders to people that not everyone is as united as they thought they were and somewhere an unspoken mutual mistrust has crept in. That being said an act of terror carried out in the name of God is more understandable to the Indian mind set than not having any faith in the same God.

When I told a fellow Indian student at NYU in Freshman year that I was an atheist, she looked at me blankly.
But you are a Hindu ?
I was born one but don’t really believe in God itself.
Not even Ganeshji ?
No. He is adorable but no.
But I have seen you read and quote the Mahabharata?

Yes as a student of literature I am fascinated by the epics and well versed with mythology from every civilization. I want to name my child Athena, doesn’t mean that I have an altar of Zeus in my home.

She was quiet for two minutes.
But I’ve seen you in a temple.

Yes I am not a vampire. I won’t turn to flames because I
have set foot in a place of worship.

This deeply disturbed the many-talisman-wearing-no-beefeating- many-fasts-observing Indian girl. She must have mulled about this and stewed in her own skeptic juices. Three days later she approached me with a very smug argument as if to challenge my being an atheist.

If your an atheist (she said the word making air-quotes with her hands) than how do you believe in being good person?
This question really annoyed me and for once I wished I had mystical powers and I could cut her head off with a flying gold disc or stab her with Poseidon’s trident or maybe even release a plague upon her. But instead I gave her my most benevolent smile and told her that my value system had nothing to do with a Higher Being. That I strived to be a good person for the sake of goodness itself and it was the right thing to do. That my moral compass didn’t need Mecca as it’s center point to follow. She got up abruptly and walked off convinced I was a Satanworshipper.
If only I could explain to her that I didn’t not want to believe-it’s just that i couldn’t convince my mind to fake it.

Even my boyfriend who is quite spiritual himself thinks that I am mistaken. He has a theory that I have a grouse against God after my Grandfather died suddenly and secretly, deep down inside believed. But I don’t and nothing I do can convince him. I don’t hate God. I just don’t believe he exists. So I let it be. With him and most people I know. I never reveal this secret. I turn down invitations to community prayer sessions and grudgingly attend the ones I am forced to attend. Sometimes I think if as a social experiment I should just announce on twitter that I am an atheist but I know that probably would get me death-threats and some serious trolling.

My mother always tries to tell me that why should I upset people? Its just an odd ritual or two. Attend it with a smile and politely keep quiet. That is the Indian way. In a country where atheist is not even an option on any form you fill to buy a house or a mobile phone connection-not having one and even worse not wanting one is not just blasphemous to most-it is a sign of madness.

Being of the wrong religion, having prejudices based on religious bias or even committing acts of terror in that religion’s name is more understandable to the Indian psyche. For India, religion finds its way into every aspect of a persons being-who they pray to, what they eat, what they wear, who they marry, what pets they keep at home and how they socialize. So having no religion is
almost like having no identity because then there are no rules on what to expect from an atheist or how does one even interact with someone like me.

So I keep it a secret. A carefully veiled identity that no one knows about. To spare me the looks, questions and judgement. Perhaps when I have children I will not tell them either. I would like them to have that link to the community around them and the comfort that it offers. So I shall attend all the rituals and say God Bless and sympathetically say I shall pray for you knowing I can’t and I won’t.